All of the feels.

Yesterday... I woke up with all of the feels.

- All of the, negative thoughts

- All of the, anxiety of all the people who pretend to want to know us but let us down or are just plain full of it.

- All of the, where is my head at thoughts

- All of the, pregnancy thoughts

- All of the, things the OBs are saying.

- All of the, added financial pressure that comes at this time of year.

- All of the, almost tears that put pressure behind your eyes that they feel like they are going to fall out of you head.

- All of the, almost 25 week gestation anxiety

- All of the, previous lost pregnancy anxiety.

- All of the, monotony of 'this part of life'.

- All of the, I'm turning thirty next year but don't feel like I've achieved/inspired/'done' anything outside of creating/raising my tiny humans.

- All of the, am I doing enough for my children?

- All of the, is my house/car/space going to be big enough for all of these people

I knew as this time of year approached it would be tough emotionally. 
I knew a lot of last years annual activities would be a reminder of choices that were made and it would all come smashing back in taking up valuable real estate in my brain matter.

But it is even tougher, then I thought it would be. I cant explain how, it just has been.

But today... today I have woken up with that feeling of a hangover, you know the emotional hang over that can happen.

But today, I feel as if I needed yesterday a day just just be within, to be spoken with, to be listened to, to carry around my wings (that represent my five lost babes) that were sent to me by Reannon and to just potter around and be with my people

Today though...

Today, the doors and windows are open just like yesterday, but it feels different... fresher

Today, maintenance Monday is in full swing.

Today, I have just whipped up #anne and she is in the oven.

Today, I confirmed my appointment with my outside of my brain help

Today, is a new day its the day where I step back up to that rung that I slipped off over the weekend.

Because I have a habit of feeling ALL of the feels. All at one time.

I found this on Pinterest, I couldn't find where it originally came from though. Sorry

The mother in me

Does the best she can, and that's all that anyone can ask for... right?

Right... that's all I would ask of any other mother... do THE best you can.


And I do, I honestly do... But,

I wish I was more of an organised mother... with lists of things to do and those things achieved... even though there is often a list written it is never executed well... 
                             Quite often by the time I have written the list I have already done a couple of things so I add them to then promptly cross them off so that I can feel more accomplished...and I have calanders on pinboards and I invite the hubby to all events he is required to attend via the phone calender.

I wish I was one of those who wrote more 'life with you posts' because how great will they be to look back on.
                            But I do, do them but only when I can.

I wish I was one who went out and did more in the real world.
                            Well, that one I am working on, and honestly... some days are better then others.

I wish I was one who kept a tidier home... don't get me wrong my home is clean and even more so now with the edition of a dishwasher... but the crap that piles up... my lord make it stop.
                             It will happen one day right?

I wish I was one that did more activities at home instead of letting my 5 year old sit and play the iPad while the little one has his day nap.
                             The kitchen table is currently a ongoing craft/lego area which is available to him all day and lets be honest... everybody needs down time.

I wish I was one that added 'mighty super mega awesome vitamin powder that gives you super powers and helps you see through walls and run like a stallion*' to the family meals.
                              Yea, I have nothing.

I wish I could write here more, to document more.
                             This is my 6th attempt of getting a post out... I have stopped and entertained the littlest one each time because I can't see the value in releasing thoughts out there if they come from stressed fingers and  I honestly just don't know what to share here anymore. 

I wish I took more photos.
                             I will always wish I took more photos.

I wish I could...

I wish I did... 

I wish I was...

There is a lot of them... and that's the thing, I just don't feel like I am hitting the bar that I had set out for myself when I was a child care worker and  kinder teacher and I had the "I'm going to be this type of Mum" thoughts.

Lets all scoff and laugh at 15-23 year old Tara... Because honestly... those years taught me more then I realised they did... and lets be honest... we are never REALLY that mother we thought we were going to be. Because curve balls come in the size of tiny humans that literally can suck the energy from you and then your reserves and then the rest before you realise holly crap balls this is hard.

Don't get me wrong... I don't want this to be a 'woe is me post' I am not 'woeing' I am not moaning... I am just getting it out so that I can get some of the guilt off my shoulders and store it somewhere else for a while, because this really IS HARD.

Hubby works madly insane hours... 

I do a lot of the yes/no choices myself, and its hard... because are they the right ones.

I do 'most' (and I say most because he washed his own clothes last night) of the household chores and I do all of the cooking three times a day and the snacks/mini meals in between, and its hard and nudist colonies and in home cooks seem like a really good idea most of the time. 

I do all of the running around with the boys. And its hard because baby's have to sleep and preschoolers have to preschool.

I get up to them every night, often sev.er.al times. and that nearly kills me every night. But every night I get up and do it.

The thing is... it is MEANT to be hard and right now I AM the best mother I can be because...

They are only 5 once, they are only 14months once... they are only inutero once...

I am a big believer in this...

From Pinterest

And when the 5 year old wants help with how to draw/write/spell... I stop and help...

And when the 14month old comes into the kitchen when you are desperately trying to get some sort of healthy-ish meal cooked in time for tea time and the 14 month old waltzes into the kitchen and stands looking at you with pleading eyes and says 'car-doo' then by golly I stop and give him the cuddle he is looking for. 

Because half the time I need one too.


*could possibly not be a real product

This little old space of mine.

Its a funny little place this little old space of mine. 

I have made some glorious (what I would call) friends through this space and it has opened my eyes to a whole world that I never really knew existed until a few years ago.

Yet, it has been a very long time since I have been around these parts... or even looked at this space.

This space unfortunately was the space that I had to let go of because my life just became so... hectic... something had to give.

I have let go of a few things that were overwhelming and just plain old stressing me out. 

Then there was of course my main priority which was my family, and with my sleep defiant baby and a 5 year old was completely stressed out they needed me more and I needed the time to just be (when I was given the chance)

Monday was the very first day I had been on the PC in... well ... MONTHS, I swung by a couple of blogs to catch up first stopping over at Mummatells, have you been over to have a read? My words can not describe how much I love the way Rebecca writes.

Its been a funny crazy time. 

Hubby changing jobs.

We went on a last minute holiday to the Gold Coast and by last minute I mean I booked it 11 pm the Friday and we flew out Sunday 6am. lol

A suspicion arose and was confirmed on our return from our most amazing holiday that I was 8 weeks PREGNANT.

Finnley figured out this thing called walking

Ronan turned FIVE...

Finnley turned ONE!!!!!!

Finnley MASTERED walking

Ronan has been battling some serious Asthma.

Finnley has learnt (is still learning) how to self settle.

I released myself of some pretty big commitments at Ronan's Kinder. 

Ronan also as moved Kinders to what we call 'new kinder' and HE LOVES IT! Quite possibly THE best decision we have made in forever...

Hubby is loving his new work place.

I am more on top of things in our home.

We sat down as a fam and discussed 'Family time' and doing more of it... We have worked hard at it and we have done many things one being going to the zoo!!!!

I am sitting here typing to you and not feeling guilty that I should be doing quite possibly 2545345624.534 different other things... because THEY ARE ALL DONE!

This week I am twenty weeks pregnant.

Today is our wedding anniversary.

Life is busy. It is grand. It is not without its trials and tribulations.

But this is where I have been. This is where I am at and I hope I can make more of an appearance around these parts if you will have me.

Photo taken by James Fox

So, pop by say Hi and tell me whats been happening on your side of the screen?

[Finnley] 10 months earth side.

Ten months with you. 


 Finnley. You have now been officially earth side longer then in utero. 


 I have said it many times before, but life truly is better with you in it. 

The road has been tough... Obstacles bigger then my new(again) Mumma brain could 

 comprehend...  

 Manage...  

 Deal with.  

 But we did.  

 We got here... 

 But not just you and I. 

With your brother as well... He has helped lead you astray, showing you the things that you shouldn't do... Cheeky things, sometimes naughty. 

But the smile you have reserved for him... Especially first thing in the morning or at kinder pick up... Is BIGGER then all the other smiles you have.  

 You adore your Dad. He works hard and he and you often miss out on seeing each other. Especially in your littler days. But when you do spot him... It's all eyes on Dad... Grunting until he picks you up. A quick cuddle and then you want back in my arms. 

You're a cheeky little man.  

 You still feed from me. Somedays more then others. You are up (to often) during the night. Just like your brother did... So I know (and I am hoping) that there is an end.  

 You still are not partial to food... But you will try things. You especially love it when you have food to feed yourself. 

Yoghurt... Especially the strawberry variety... YOUR FAVOURITE!!!  

 Your laughter... Slightly raspy and chuckley and so flipping adorable. I make you laugh at every chance I can.  

 The bananas in pyjamas grab your attention like nothing else... Though Peppa and Ben and Holly are not far behind.  

 You have what I call items of affection, something random that you will literally carry around all day...
Most of the time it's an oversized fire hose from the duplo range. In other days. It's Eva's (from walle) body. Or a peg... Or just anything that grabs your love for that day. 

You crawl, you sit and you walk around the furniture all on your own.  

You adore the water... Especially your swimming lessons.  

You are shy around people, people you don't know... But especially with people you haven't seen for a while, the confusion in your face, as if to say 'I know you... But from where???' 

You growl. At things that displease you. All the time. You also have a 'disapproval face' where you scrunch up your face and stick out your lips and breath fast and heavily through your nose.

After dinner each and everyday. You screech until I let you out of your chair... You head for the hallway and you play... And play and play... There is a special box of toys in your room that you tip over and play with only at this time... You race your brother, you laugh, you crash, you fall... You explore just a little bit more, discovering all of the things... Again or for the first time. This is really starting to become a bit of a tradition.  

And then when the bath starts running you hit the bathroom door and yell at it until it is ready and you are allowed in... Where you splash. And splash. And laugh and splash.  

Finnley, life really truly TRULY is better with you in it.  

Thank YOU for choosing me... 

Thank YOU for choosing US.  

 LOVE Mumma xxxx 

[The 52 project] 18/52

"A portrait of my children, once a week, every week for 2014."

Finnley- Lets just talk about your hair for a second. It goes every which way... even up, and it reminds me a lot of my own. The sides are trying to sort out whether it is going to be curly or not. You have INSANE bed hair, and I have shared my fair share of crazy do's on instagram. The bald patch at the back in the centre has only really just started to fill in this week. But this bit at the back... its a cow-lick... with a massive curl, which sticks up at the end. AND I ADORE IT!

Ronan- You stopped. Not for long. But long enough for me to see you relax.

The 52 Project by Practising Simplicity 

Click the photo below to see more about it.

Your comments are not only awesome! They are inspiring!
Thank you.

Not broken... just bent

Yes this was published the other day... but only for a short time... I chickened out and pulled it down... but now I think it is time.

When one is faced with a decision, that they never thought they would have to even contemplate.

It is easier just to run and to just hide... to shut it all down and just wish it would all go away.

And last year that is exactly what happened. 

When my youngest babe was just a mere 15 weeks, I discovered that my Husband had been doing things that a Husband... a committed one... should not have been doing.

He made the wrong choices, and those choices have affected our marriage, our family and our way of life.

The last 6 months has been hard. 

Bloody hard.

There have been more bad days then good.

And that sucks... it feels as if my babes first year has been marred in some way

There have been days where I have not wanted to leave the house. 

So we don't... 

There have been days where I have challenged myself. 

There have been days were I have thought... this is just too much, it shouldn't be like this... there has to be better out there... better people who would make better choices.

Promises have been made / broken / and re made all over again... because we are learning, we are just two people, who are just trying to figure out how to make it right.

You are right... I probably should of just left, why should I put up with that shiz...

Well I made a commitment, and yes he did too. But... I think and feel it is worth... just trying to work it out.

And at the end of the day... 

There was love there once, and I am sure it is still there somewhere...

But when ones trust has been broken...

It just might take some time to learn to love again. 

Image

Posts that have lead to this one... here and here

Your comments are not only awesome! They are inspiring!
Thank you.

I am guilty

I am guilty...

For what you ask?

This...

I know right... ridiculous.

I spend WAY to much time on here or is it there who knows and for what I don't know... 

I am not entirely sure how long/often I spend on here each day... but the other day Ronan came into the room with it... saying I had forgotten it... then shiz is bad.

I KNOW I do not spend every waking second on it... I don't know how it started, but I do know that if my son thinks it needs to follow me around the house then something has to change.

I have been thinking about it for some time now.

How to 'control' how I use it... 

Because lets be honest... it is my only tap into the outside world and sometimes I need my Mumma Village when the sleepless days are endless and the shouty four year olds are shouty.

I thought about only being able to look at it at certain times of the day... you know... 7am, 11am, 3am, 7pm...

Or 

After I have Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner.

Or when the children are busy doing something else... but that is what I do now.

Do I get Ronan to hide it?

In April last year, I successfully stopped myself from looking at my personal Facebook page multiple times a day... to a point where I was scarcely around... but now, I have noticed that I am back there again... sharing the odd photo and the funny/not so funny things my children make me endure.

I am not exactly sure how I am going to get around this... its just a phone... not a life source... or an appendage... 

What ever it is... or isn't... IT needs to lessen OR possibly stop.

So if you see me floating around on social media A LOT... feel free to become all shouty and get me off!

Because I need it... 

My children do too.

What are you guilty of?

Spend to much time on Social Media?

Your comments are not only awesome! They are inspiring!
Thank you.