I survived.

Isn't it funny how a little space away from the norm can really get you thinking...
Isn't it funny how a change in your personal life can really put things into perspective.

2012 was a year of
pain
tears because of the pain
grief
exhaustion
tears
silence
confused thoughts
trying to find blame
confronting situations
looking for answers
more tears because some of these answers were damn confronting.

I spent a lot of time by myself in 2012
deep in thought... 
being constantly asked what I am thinking... 
constantly craving my own space... 
constantly looking for answers... 
help... 
desire for change.

Never once did I stop caring for our son... Not once.

He is and always will be my first priority in every situation.

But as a way of controlling each situation we stayed home... a lot.
5 out of the 7 days were spent at home unless we had to go out. 
Unless someone said we'd really like to see you,
It didnt happen often... especially at the start I feel it is because everyone was busy... busy with THEIR life, busy running/caring/looking after themselves/family/needs.

I watched from the outside... not jealous more envious

Envious of the courageousness
Envious of their ability to just do
Envious of their freedom

While I found myself able to talk to some people I noticed... as did my husband... that it wasn't all being told.

We, together went in search of professional help... Help I so desperately needed. 
It gave me some answers.

Sometimes the reality of such help is funding such situations. Sometimes this was hard, sometimes... everything else came first, as it should, so my brain says... even today it is a constant battle of importance.

This constant battle of importance infuritates my husband to no end... he sees me as important, he sees me as a first... he sees me and sees a person struggling as she is looking for answers and is constantly shutting him out because it is her way of coping.

These memories of such times are raw... so raw my hands are wet from tears as they fall.

Silent... as I may have been. My brain was screaming looking for ways to help itself.

Constant questions of why.

People stepped back into my life in an unexpected way truly welcomed, but with tender thoughts of the past, fear of re-living the same pain, fear of loosing an important part of me once again.

These people offered new light on situations I was living.

Some people in my life had no idea... none... until they were told and even then, once they were told forgot about it as soon as I had told them. I don't know why. Maybe they didnt know how to handle it. But me telling these people was my way of looking for help
...looking for answers... something.

Some people told me they were sick of hearing about it. Some people said that if they left me alone I would sort it out myself. Hearing this... how ever many times, was confronting. And put me backwards... further into thought, thoughts about another part of my life...
Friends... putting the battle of importance back into play.

Thoughts of... I have upset/annoyed my friends enough that they don't want anything to do with me or our son. Our son started asking questions about why people didn't come to our house, but we go play at theirs... more questions I didn't have the answers for.

This is yet again my fault.

But as I worked forward... worked through it all... tried to find new outlets 
We suffered another loss.

That was it, the game was over. I couldn't do it by myself any more and I needed my people. And some of my people were there, organised by my amazing husband. 
These people were there for me... even after minimal contact during the year.
 
Where I would be with out him...

But even still, this upset people... putting their importance above my importance, putting their issues above mine and that is when I had realised... now is not the time, this time is about me and surviving MY right now.

This is where I had learnt so many things.
but here are two...
1- You can not please everyone, regardless of how personal the situation you are in.
2- Friends will stand the test of time... regardless of how much contact you have between visits.

2012, to be honest. 
I'm glad I lived you. I wouldn't change much... maybe a little less grief. 
But I survived. 
I survived 2012, I walked out of the door of 2012 as it closed and walked into 2013. 
I did it. 
I still have bad days... but most days are better. I still have trouble with public spaces... and as dubious as I am about the days ahead we have so much to look forward to. 
And as my life gets busier... with kinder starting for Ronan and the birth of our second child mid year. 
I have to remember one thing... 

I survived.






A song that helped.

People that helped...

Lifeline
Beyond Blue
And my GP.