Struggling

Struggling

Definition:          Have difficulty handling or coping with
                                - passengers struggle with bags and briefcases

As I sit here and think about what is happening in my brain I find it hard to even know where to start. 

Do I say, I'm struggling with the fact that I would do anything in the world to have another child, but physically it seems impossible.

Because it is. 

Do I say, because of this I am finding each day at the moment a struggle.

Because it is.

Do I say, that this is playing out in other areas of my life and these areas are starting to affect my life negatively.

Because it is.


Do I say I am avoiding most social occasions because it can all just be to hard.

Because I am.

I get so cross with myself because of these struggles.

 Sometimes all the time, I wish I wasn't held back by these inhibitions. They haven't always been there but when typing that and really thinking about it I can remember different situations throughout my child hood where I have talked myself out of doing things because there may be a negative effect. It just seems to have gotten worse... a lot worse.

There are days were I get caught up with it and that is what we call a bad day. I celebrate at the end of those days because there is always hope the next one will be better.
 
They usually are.

There are days were I just think to myself. What are you worried about... just go with it... Cant sorry. Just doesn't work like that.

I am at the point where I am starting to think it will always be like this.
I do not want it to always be like this.
It is time for help I think.

Thanks for letting me vent

{images}