All of the feels.

Yesterday... I woke up with all of the feels.

- All of the, negative thoughts

- All of the, anxiety of all the people who pretend to want to know us but let us down or are just plain full of it.

- All of the, where is my head at thoughts

- All of the, pregnancy thoughts

- All of the, things the OBs are saying.

- All of the, added financial pressure that comes at this time of year.

- All of the, almost tears that put pressure behind your eyes that they feel like they are going to fall out of you head.

- All of the, almost 25 week gestation anxiety

- All of the, previous lost pregnancy anxiety.

- All of the, monotony of 'this part of life'.

- All of the, I'm turning thirty next year but don't feel like I've achieved/inspired/'done' anything outside of creating/raising my tiny humans.

- All of the, am I doing enough for my children?

- All of the, is my house/car/space going to be big enough for all of these people

I knew as this time of year approached it would be tough emotionally. 
I knew a lot of last years annual activities would be a reminder of choices that were made and it would all come smashing back in taking up valuable real estate in my brain matter.

But it is even tougher, then I thought it would be. I cant explain how, it just has been.

But today... today I have woken up with that feeling of a hangover, you know the emotional hang over that can happen.

But today, I feel as if I needed yesterday a day just just be within, to be spoken with, to be listened to, to carry around my wings (that represent my five lost babes) that were sent to me by Reannon and to just potter around and be with my people

Today though...

Today, the doors and windows are open just like yesterday, but it feels different... fresher

Today, maintenance Monday is in full swing.

Today, I have just whipped up #anne and she is in the oven.

Today, I confirmed my appointment with my outside of my brain help

Today, is a new day its the day where I step back up to that rung that I slipped off over the weekend.

Because I have a habit of feeling ALL of the feels. All at one time.

I found this on Pinterest, I couldn't find where it originally came from though. Sorry

The mother in me

Does the best she can, and that's all that anyone can ask for... right?

Right... that's all I would ask of any other mother... do THE best you can.


And I do, I honestly do... But,

I wish I was more of an organised mother... with lists of things to do and those things achieved... even though there is often a list written it is never executed well... 
                             Quite often by the time I have written the list I have already done a couple of things so I add them to then promptly cross them off so that I can feel more accomplished...and I have calanders on pinboards and I invite the hubby to all events he is required to attend via the phone calender.

I wish I was one of those who wrote more 'life with you posts' because how great will they be to look back on.
                            But I do, do them but only when I can.

I wish I was one who went out and did more in the real world.
                            Well, that one I am working on, and honestly... some days are better then others.

I wish I was one who kept a tidier home... don't get me wrong my home is clean and even more so now with the edition of a dishwasher... but the crap that piles up... my lord make it stop.
                             It will happen one day right?

I wish I was one that did more activities at home instead of letting my 5 year old sit and play the iPad while the little one has his day nap.
                             The kitchen table is currently a ongoing craft/lego area which is available to him all day and lets be honest... everybody needs down time.

I wish I was one that added 'mighty super mega awesome vitamin powder that gives you super powers and helps you see through walls and run like a stallion*' to the family meals.
                              Yea, I have nothing.

I wish I could write here more, to document more.
                             This is my 6th attempt of getting a post out... I have stopped and entertained the littlest one each time because I can't see the value in releasing thoughts out there if they come from stressed fingers and  I honestly just don't know what to share here anymore. 

I wish I took more photos.
                             I will always wish I took more photos.

I wish I could...

I wish I did... 

I wish I was...

There is a lot of them... and that's the thing, I just don't feel like I am hitting the bar that I had set out for myself when I was a child care worker and  kinder teacher and I had the "I'm going to be this type of Mum" thoughts.

Lets all scoff and laugh at 15-23 year old Tara... Because honestly... those years taught me more then I realised they did... and lets be honest... we are never REALLY that mother we thought we were going to be. Because curve balls come in the size of tiny humans that literally can suck the energy from you and then your reserves and then the rest before you realise holly crap balls this is hard.

Don't get me wrong... I don't want this to be a 'woe is me post' I am not 'woeing' I am not moaning... I am just getting it out so that I can get some of the guilt off my shoulders and store it somewhere else for a while, because this really IS HARD.

Hubby works madly insane hours... 

I do a lot of the yes/no choices myself, and its hard... because are they the right ones.

I do 'most' (and I say most because he washed his own clothes last night) of the household chores and I do all of the cooking three times a day and the snacks/mini meals in between, and its hard and nudist colonies and in home cooks seem like a really good idea most of the time. 

I do all of the running around with the boys. And its hard because baby's have to sleep and preschoolers have to preschool.

I get up to them every night, often sev.er.al times. and that nearly kills me every night. But every night I get up and do it.

The thing is... it is MEANT to be hard and right now I AM the best mother I can be because...

They are only 5 once, they are only 14months once... they are only inutero once...

I am a big believer in this...

From Pinterest

And when the 5 year old wants help with how to draw/write/spell... I stop and help...

And when the 14month old comes into the kitchen when you are desperately trying to get some sort of healthy-ish meal cooked in time for tea time and the 14 month old waltzes into the kitchen and stands looking at you with pleading eyes and says 'car-doo' then by golly I stop and give him the cuddle he is looking for. 

Because half the time I need one too.


*could possibly not be a real product