Thursday, 10 May 2012

How are you doin' Tarz?

FYI this isn't my door BUT HOW AMAZEBALLS IS IT

I haven't been myself lately.
By lately I mean 6 or more months

I feel beaten down by the smallest things.

I feel people don't agree with my decision to be a stay at home mum full time 
{I was working part time but that wasn't working out} 
Lucky that wasn't their decision to make.
I cant believe that people make me feel guilty for doing the one thing that I have only ever wanted to do.

I feel as tho I owe everyone every part of me so that I feel happy that I am helping some one.
I find that I tuck myself away in my itty bitty house so that I don't have to feel like I owe people all of me
I don't feel as tho I am met half way
My Husband hates that
People make me feel bad for being over weight.
My husband hates that too
I feel guilty when people say that there is no one there for them when they are feeling down.
Its funny how I feel the exact same way. But in more aspects of life. No one is there when I am happy either. No-one ever says. How are you doing Tarz?

I make do, I love entertaining my son with weekly external activities and the activities that I learnt when I was working in Child Care all those years. I have mad skills but sometimes I have to hit up others for ideas and to do that it takes a couple of days to get the courage to do that because I feel like I have failed myself.
I hate that.
I see friends when I can. We keep busy everyday and my son enjoys that.

I am not to good with making/keeping friends.
Someone told me once that I need to learn how to be friends with more then one person at a time- this offended me.
I didnt even know I was doing that. 
It makes me sad to think I do that.
It has only made the whole situation worse I think
I have only ever wanted to be good to my friends and to be told that I wasn't giving them all of MY all saddened me greatly and made me retreat to my itty bitty house again.
I feel as tho no one wants to catch up with me unless I organise it first.
I hate that

Don't get me wrong I am happy with who I am. My family is happy and its full of love.
I don't think WE miss out on anything. Christ we are going on an overseas holiday in a few weeks. {YAY} but sometimes I feel as tho I.ME.TARA is missing out on something. 
I'm not sure what that is tho so for now we will leave that.

Last week I mentioned briefly that I wasn't in the right frame of mind to write a post that I had planned on doing. 
And I really wasn't the last couple of weeks have been really tough for me.
Really tough.
Hubby has been working his fine ass off to provide for us and has been away really late with work almost every night for a month or so. Hes also been pulling OT on Friday nights and Saturdays. He's a good man.
Hes also been away on commitments that were made months ago so it feels as tho I have been doing it on my own for a little while and this week and weekend are not going to be much different. Either are the next.
My hat goes off to those who do it on there own full time.
Its tough.
Im lucky to have a great little man who just roles with it and is generally really well behaved, that makes it a little easier.

Last weekend I was put in a situation where I was made to think where I am at with it all.
To be honest.
I'm over it.
I'm over the guilt, the guilt for being told I should of been there but I wasn't
The guilt of being told that I should be doing it another way.
The guilt of not going to things because people wanted me to and didnt because my needs or my sons needs came first.
There is so much more but I'm not going into it.

This week has been good.
Ive been looking/thinking in a different perspective.
We are happy and thats all that matters.
Things are going to change
I need to feel as tho I am met half way. If you give a little, you will get a little. 
Feel free to knock on my door anytime if you know where it is.
BUT remember my family will ALWAYS come first.
and you know what so will I.


Would love to hear from you, feel as tho I am talking to myself most days x

1 comment:

  1. Good LORD.

    Stop being so SIMILAR!

    Could have wrote this myself :)

    I am often too exhausted to give anything to my friendships thanks to night shift, but I am ALWAYS plagued by guilt for this.

    I want to be a better friend, I am just too ... flipping tired :)

    I think you're an amazing Mother.
    And you have an amazing man by your side.

    And your little boy, he is DIVINE! x


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